Why Trying to Create the 'Perfect Summer' Might Be the Worst Idea. And What To Do Instead

Join us on "The Polaris Connection" as we explore the unique challenges and joys of parenting autistic children during the summer months. 

Hosts Brad Broyles and Nathan Palmer share insightful tips and personal stories to help you navigate family vacations, manage sensory overload, and embrace the unpredictability of summer. 

Discover how to create meaningful experiences, find micro wins, and ensure a fulfilling summer for your neurodivergent child. Whether you're planning a trip or enjoying a staycation, this episode offers valuable advice and encouragement for every parent. 

Tune in to connect with a community that understands and supports your journey.

We want to hear from you! Follow us and leave a comment on our Instagram at ThePolarisConnection or reach us at Info@PolarisAcademy.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Polaris Connection, your podcast that connects parents of autistic children with industry experts. I am your host, Brad Broils, and I'm here with my Mr. Electric Blue co-host, Nathan Palmer. How are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 0:19

You know, I'm good, Brad, and I usually know what the co-host nicknames come from, but I gotta be honest, I'm at a loss. I need I need to ask you. Mr. Electric, you don't you before before I accept the title? What is it?

SPEAKER_00 0:36

No Benson Boons fans out there? You ever listen to Ben my Mr. Electric Boons? Oh, yeah, okay. That one. So he wrote it for his dad, about his dad, who worked multiple jobs, and it's during the summer. It's summertime. It's almost here.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Is it summer already? Can you believe it? You know, they call it the 90 days of May for a reason. I think I'm I'm just kind of cruising through the end on autopilot, but I will take that one. I wear that one proudly. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

It's summer is here, and you are my Mr. Electric Blue. Whenever you get a chance, watch that video. Mose's lawn in an American flag outfit. But Nathan, yeah, uh, you know, we've we have been doing a lot this May. Update our audience, what has been going on this May?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Oh my gosh, so much. I mean, besides the end of a you know, another school year, we we had our open house for our next new campus expansion at uh Dobson and Bay Line baseline for our Dobson Ranch location. And that has been wow, Brad, that that's that's huge for us. You know, that's that's that's our first marker of growth. And you know, we have another one on the way that's gonna open in August. So it's been crazy.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

It has been crazy. And and for our audience that may not know, Polaris Academy did something unique that's unique to the market. We are we're one of the few, or if not one of the only schools that made a private partner relationship with a public entity with Mesa Public Schools.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's there at Rhodes Junior High. And um, you know, that by itself was a journey. There's there's a you know, private and public schools and ESA, it's a really hot topic right now, but there is a general consensus for the special needs population that, you know, there's just a different way of education that they need. And and this program was created actually for the special needs group originally. It's bipartisan. Everybody kind of recognized that general education is a huge charge. You know, educate everybody in every facet of life. And then there's this niche, and not just niche, there are multiple niches of special need that just need more focused attention. And so it built that pathway. And uh, you know, fortunately, Mesa Public Schools saw that vision. They see us as collaborators, not competition. And uh, it's been a wonderful opportunity for us to, you know, allow kids to operate in a shared space, to share the amenities and just feel like they're as normal as any other kid.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Yes, and of course, and folks, we'd love to invite you to come tour our Dobson Ranch location and then also our usury pass location that'll be opened up this August. Um, please go online. We'd love to show you what it what it looks like to be part of the Players Academy family. Yeah, it's absolutely awesome. Now, we also had another thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Well, go ahead. What was the other thing? Mother's Day was just around the corner. Thank you. I was just about to say we we owe a belated happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Just like just like a normal dad. Sorry, sorry, ladies. You know, but we do we do want to give a nice shout out to all of all the wonderful mothers out there. They do so much for us, they do so much for one for our wonderful communities, they deal with a lot. I always like to say my wife has you know, so we have six kids, Nathan, but my wife really has seven because she has to deal with me as well. So that's fair. God bless her.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Yeah, you know, the the I I I look at motherhood as a as a calling, you know, and and I listen, I don't want to get into gender bias or or roles, but there is something to be said about caring and developing a life. And, you know, I look at moms and you really, whether you want to or not, right? There's there's a physical, there's a time, there's an emotional sacrifice to bring another life into this world. And it's almost like you're sacrificing your life to create a new one. And you know, it's like the biblical adage, you know, when you lose your life, you find it. And I think that happens every time uh a new mom is created, every time motherhood is expanded. And that's not a small thing. So to say we have one day, we recognize it, honestly, I think it's a little bit short-sighted. I think it needs to be a season. And it's something I think all the time we should just be eternally grateful for all the moms out there.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Yeah, we celebrate moms every day, all throughout the all throughout the year. It isn't, you know, if you think about again, motherhood, motherhood, they just give their entire soul to their children, their families, their spouse, their community. It's it's incredible. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

And I, and you know, I'm gonna just put an extra knot in there. That applies to even non-traditional families. You know, um, two of our boys are adopted. I know there's a lot of families out there that foster. And um, you know, there's terms out there, the biological mom or regular mom. And and, you know, being correct in the terminology is not so crucial as just the fact of being a mom. It doesn't matter how the kids come. Once, once that child is there, the sacrifice is just as real. The connections and the bonds are just as strong. And so, really, for all those traditional, non-traditional, however you want to label them, for all those wonderful women sacrificed to build others. Uh, thank you. Uh, we appreciate you and we recognize you.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

Yep. Thank you, moms. We love you. Um, even though we're two weeks late of saying happy Mother's Day, again, well, say it again, happy Mother's Day today and every day, right? Right. Now, Nathan, why are we calling this the Mr. Electric Blue Podcast?

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Bear in mind, I just learned what that meant, but I'm guessing it has something to do with summer.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Yes, we are today. We're going to talk about summer. Summer's right around the corner. Um, and you know, we did this a while when we talked about Christmas. We just try we try to think, okay, what's the picture perfect Christmas? It's unique. They're out of their, they're out of school, they're in home. There's a lot of traditions during um the Christmas season. And uh, there's also a lot of traditions during the summer season. You know, now they're they're they're kind of getting out of their normal routine of being in school or some type of setting like that. And a lot, there's a lot of traveling during the summer, there's a lot of family activities during the summer. Uh, there's the there's this pressure that parents feel that we need to have a so-called perfect summer. So we want to talk about that today and say, what does that so-called perfect summer look like in a neurodivergent uh child or family? And what do our families how do we prepare for this crazy episode of summer?

SPEAKER_01 7:07

You know, uh you use the term perfect summer. I don't know that I would call it that. It's more like brace for impact.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

But but everybody loves summer, and and we would love to, you know, know our audience. What do you guys do during the summer season? We would love to please drop a line, let us know what you guys do, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Yeah, no, share it, share ideas. I I guess sorry, and I didn't mean to go on a tangent there, Brad, but when you say summer, um I listen, I I I'm thinking of it from two two aspects. One, for me as a as a as a dad, as a father, as a provider, summer doesn't change all that much. You know, I I still go to work. It's just the schedule at home changes, right? But for me, the schedule schedule doesn't change a lot. Who it changes a lot for really is are the moms that are now having to take on all day long. They're kids that were spending so much time away at school. If you have school age kids, and and that's a big change, you know. Um, I remember we had a guest on Dr. Gender Fulfillment's advice, right? And and there was a comment she made about how there was like this one hour a week when she had a kid that had like a one-to-one teacher at Sunday school at church. And like that one hour a week was like the most glorious reprieve, right? And that's that's real. And so, you know, when your kids go to school, there's there's there's a little bit of that reprieve, there's a schedule, and then summer comes. Yes, and that schedule is gone. And when you this particular group of kids, right, the autistic population, schedules matter and and consistency matters, and summer is anything but so it's this it's like this healthy mix of it's summer and there's vacations and there's all these exciting things we can do, right along with this dread of, oh my gosh, it's summer and there's all this that we have. There you go. So sorry if I I didn't mean to be Debbie Downer there. I apologize, but the reality is summer's kind of a little bit of work.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Yeah, it is. And for most families, or I guess uh those that don't have autistic children, they get really excited. They can't wait to get out of school. Um, we think about barbecues, swimming pools, yeah, you know, Disneyland trips, whatnot. But for those that have autistic children, it's more of like embrace for impact. How do I navigate this crazy summer pressure that I need to have this with with my with my my children? So I just kind of wanted, I know Nathan, you've you've experienced this a lot, and I kind of want to ask, you know, what are things that you let's let's talk about a family vacation. Sure. Okay, that usually comes up. How how would you want to navigate a family vacation? What does success look like? And how do you try I mean how do you navigate that? So we the regulation is not this the sense there's no how do you I guess how do you manage a sensory overload? I don't know the the why.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

No, great, great question. And look, there's I'm gonna give you my answer. It's probably gonna be different than my wife's answer, and it's probably different than a dozen other people's answers just because my personality is different. So I'm a for for those that don't know, I'm kind of a closet introvert. I I play like an extrovert on TV, but in the real life, I'm totally content just being the quiet kid in the back of the room and minding my own business. So for me, like what I get out of a vacation, um, I get that fun that I don't naturally bring myself. So putting myself in environments where I get to enjoy because the environment around me is enjoying, I love. And I love seeing my kids in environments that are new, right? There's there's a lot of patterns. And today there's with screens and video games, like we break it up with sports, with other extracurricular, but it's work, right? So to be able to have a trip and just go to a new place, yeah, that there's something about newness. Like think about when you're dating, that discovery. You're discovering something about your your you know, love interest, or when you're first getting to know your kids, there's discovery. It it's like this refresh of we're in this new place, it invites new experiences, and that newness I think is exciting and fun. So I like creating the opportunity for experiences, the environment. Others it might be connection, you know. Uh, but but I I just like I like mixing it up to where we can have new places. But again, there's that healthy dose of fear. New environment means I don't know how my kid on the spectrum's gonna act or thrive, or if it's gonna be a good one or a bad one, and it's anybody's guess.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

It is everybody's guess. And so it's like if you're on a family vacation, some ideas that you might want to consider that may help again, you know your child better than anybody else, is I think that's the the the tip number one is you know your child better than anybody else. So you you kind of have a good sense of an idea that you don't have to follow what everybody does, but what's going to be best for your family and best for your kiddo to kind of um help any kind of sensory overload during those processes. Might want to think about I know Airbnb's are always really good to go to because that you have a sense there's a there's a home there. Maybe something to avoid, maybe common walls, maybe just a standalone single family home if you can, if if the area permits, you probably want to look into that. I think also like if you think about vacation, some families they like to go to the same place every year, and that and that helps with predictability. A lot of the are sensory-friendly friends, they really enjoy that. I know this morning you and your son were talking about a family vacation that you guys like to do every year, and he was actually really excited. Your son was telling me all about it, and he was actually you know excited for that trip. So I think that's very, very helpful, helpful. So try to, I guess, try to find where predictability, you know, I guess complements comfort for our normal for our friends. So try to find places like that.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

And you know, and it's funny, I'm having this, I'm having this like flashback of our COVID era. There's also ways that you can expose new experiences in a safe way without having to go test it. So I I remember I remember there was this one period, and you know, maybe we were just super loopy because we had like you know the COVID jitters, but when we were all you know quarantining indoors, um our kids had this idea of like experiencing Disneyland at home. And so we go so we took different rooms of the house and converted them into different rides. And then we had our laptop, and if you you know go on YouTube, there's people that like record the rides as you're going through. And so I remember it was it was the coolest day because you know, like inside the closet was like a dark ride, a roller coaster, and then downstairs we like all shift left to right on the couch when it was going somewhere else. And so we made this in-home Disneyland experience. We we got a recipe on how to make homemade juros.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

There you go.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

And you know, so there's novelty you can introduce right at home that doesn't involve all the stress of maybe going on a vacation if it's too much. And so you can you can do cool things to still bring home experiences that that shift it, mix it up, but in a comfortable place.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Yes, and and well, and let's let me kind of pivot from another side. So that shows more about being excited or excitement in the home. I know one thing that our family really enjoys doing, my wife likes to do with the kids, is they will have a library summer. And at the library, our library here in uh Arizona or Mesa where we live, they will have like a book club or like a readathon. And I know that in a way that kind of puts a more of a low demand environment for our kiddos, and they they go to somewhere where they're more comfortable sometimes, like in a library setting, it's kind of in a way like a school setting, and they would just read there at the library, and we just kind of have like more of a library summer with our wonderful friends that like to read a lot. Um, that is that is that's always kind of been a in fact, our kids were just talking about it a few weeks ago. I have a kid, he's pretty much a PDAer. Like he just you can just you can just kind of tell that he he has those type of functions. And he just couldn't wait to get back in the library because we did this last summer, and he's like, Hey, I'm ready for the same activity this year again, going with predictability, something that he likes. It's a low demand area, it's a nice little soft, quiet space for them. Uh, he he looks forward to it, actually.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

You know, it's something that I'm kind of excited about this year. In the past, you know, the 4th of July, it's that's a very common celebration in the summer, and it's fireworks and all that, and we celebrate. But this year, this year I'm kind of inclined to give a little more historical context because this year is our country's 250th birthday, which is it's funny. You read history books of all these civilizations that you know existed for hundreds and thousands of years, we're 250. Like we're still pretty juvenile. We're we're babies, but that's a huge recognition and it's an opportunity to teach. So we're bringing a little bit of social studies, I guess, for you know, those that are wanting some learning opportunities mixed with still the regular fun and run of the Fourth of July holiday.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Well, and that's a very nice OT thing to do, right? Go out to visit some historic sites in America history around your area, bring them out there and have them walk the spaces, walk the places. So that's that's a really good, fun Fourth of July uh or summer long project that you can do as a family. Um, you know, the other thing, like what what do you think about like how do we with our sensory friend, you know, sensitive friends, like, how is a good way to create good family bonds and big families? I always think about summer's the time.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Is it bad to say avoid the big family gathering? Is that is that wrong?

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Well, you know, you you you want to be engaging the best you can. And I know, you know, what are some ideas that can help our friends out there, our families that uh want to be with a big family group and they know it's gonna be really chaotic.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

Yeah, um Brad, I'm mixed on that. So I'm just gonna I answer as candidly and honestly as I can. There were some times where I was not looking forward to being with family. Um a lot of that has to do with expectation. Uh I think sometimes we want our kids to experience the things we want, and it's not necessarily the best for them. Uh and and anytime you insert an expectation, and I I forget who told me this, but you know, expectation drives misery. And that sounds really negative at first, but whenever we set an expectation of how we see things going or how we want it to go, and then that expectation doesn't come to fruition, whether it was for good or bad reasons, like there's always this sense of we missed the mark, and like there's this failure. And I I guess I would say if you're looking to do things like that, you're going with family, go into it without the expectation. Yeah. Go into it with there's this activity, and I'm okay with whatever it looks like. But if you preset the expectation on how you hope it will go or how you think it will, the second it deviates, it's like it's deflating. And so give yourself grace. Um, we've had a couple of guests that talked about how for years they avoided all the family gatherings and because that was just the best thing at the time. And so, you know, don't beat yourself up if right now you're in the stage where that's the best thing at this time. And and that's okay. And it's okay, number on one hand, to choose it. It's okay to grieve it that you're not there. Like it's okay to feel bad that you're not doing this stuff rather than bottle it up and process, uh, because otherwise you're gonna find yourself resenting your circumstance, resenting your child. Uh, and neither of those are gonna put you in a place that you want to.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Well, like you said, you you resent the circumstance. Yeah. Now you're isolating yourself even more. That experiencing the grieving process is totally okay. Just embrace it because then you can go to the next step.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

Yeah, exactly. So, you know, what are my thoughts on family gatherings, Brad? It's that they can be good, bad, and ugly. And just go into it. I I guess go into it with this idea. We talk about this a lot on the podcast that it takes a village. Those people are your village. And sometimes, sometimes the village comes to you. And so just look for look for ways that your village can still be a part of your life without necessarily having to conform to village life.

SPEAKER_00 19:53

Well, and and and on that village life, like think about parallel play. Like, just the fact that I'm just there, I might not be participating, or or your child might not be participating the way that you know the game is going, that's okay. Just the fact that they're there is a huge win. Yep. And just accept it for what it is, however they want to play, as long as that they're out there with their family or with that person or they're engaged in the activity, even if they're sitting on the floor. Yeah, like that's okay as well. Um another big um, you know, they talk about in in a summer that we can do deep dives into special interest. That's a good time for that. In fact, there's a word for that, Nathan. Did you know? I didn't I had to look this up.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Deep dive into sp so the first one that comes to mind is hyperfixation.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

No, this one is called monotropism. I I don't look that up. So that is the word of the day. Monotropism. Thank you for helping me say that, right? Deep dive into special interests. Um you know, we think about that kids need to be this so-called well-rounded, um, a you know, a sample of various activities, but Summer has a very specific opportunity to deep dive into special interests. What do you what do you think those activities could be?

SPEAKER_01 21:17

Well, I mean, it could be could be a lot of things. You know, I've got I've got uh I've got four boys. I think I've said that on the podcast before, and they couldn't be more different. Um, I've got you know one on the spectrum that is that is always surprising us, sometimes in good and bad ways. I have another that is like into the fantasy and lore, like he can listen to an audiobook while reading another book while thinking up a new Dungeons and Dragon strategy all at the same time. His his creative mind is amazing. Then I have another that's very precise. So he's like learning four different musical instruments and folding origami, but he's very tactile in how he does it. So like one is loosey goosey, the other is like structure to the bone. And then I have Arkaboose, which is just like he Finds fun in everything. And so I guess when I when I hear you like say deep dive, you're right. We we want to like give our kids all these exposures, but at some point they latch on to an interest. Yes. And it's good and it's okay to like develop and hone in on those interests or to help them even find one or explore them. And they don't always land. Like I I played the piano my whole life. And so I have one son that uh was learning piano and he he kind of switched it for flute. And like my ego was hurt a little bit because I like I wanted this little me also. We we've got egos. Like I wanted the next piano player, not the next flute player. But he's really great at the flute. And so being able to find time to explore those specific talents, I it's a great call out because it's not just give them a little bit of everything, it's give them a lot of one thing.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

Well, it makes me think about like, you know, STEM, for example. STEM is a big part of Polaris Academy and our Starlight Behavior. But we also call STEM the talent discovery center.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

That's another the summer could be fine more, could be defined as your talent discovery summer and say, okay, you know, let's, you know, let's deep dive on something that they really enjoy. They really enjoy doing. Like, I don't know, again, like you said, you wanted your your son to play the piano, he's actually more into the flute. Um, you know, I know my kids are starting to get more into the guitar, which is kind of interesting. So I'm kind of playing more with in that type of deep dive. But it just I think at the end of the day, embrace what your child is interested in and just embrace it and and deep dive into that the best way that you can.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

You know, that's that's uh that's interesting you put it that way. Find interest in the things they find interest in.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Which is hard to do because we're all we're all our own person. We are, you know, and it's sometimes it's like, okay, this might be super annoying to me, but to them, it it calms them. They're they're they're decompressing, they're well it drives connection, right?

SPEAKER_01 24:00

You know, I think uh I think sometimes even in our our relationships, our marriage relationships, that you know, that that's good advice as well. That um while yes, it's healthy to you know pursue those things that you find joy in, it's also important to have interest in the things that others have interest in because in that we find connection and purpose.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Yeah. Well, another thing too is during the summer, it's very easy to find like, hey, here's our big win of the summer. Okay, we're all gonna go on this cruise line, or we have pressure to say, hey, we all have to go to Disneyland, or we have to have this Fourth of July, you know, massive uh celebration. I think with having kids on the spectrum, we just want to look for micro wins, is just as important as having a big finale. So I would say let's just try to find those micro wins wherever we can throughout the summer.

SPEAKER_01 24:55

Yeah. You know, what what we focus on grows or is bigger. Um and I think you can find wins daily. I think you could find failures daily, right? You could find micro failures all the time.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

I'm good at micro failures.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

We we all are. We all are. Um, and and and if we focus on them, then that's we'll feel like all we're doing is missing the mark. So I like and I like micro wins because the macro wins are not, you know, sometimes they're few and far between. Again, especially when we set unrealistic expectations. But micro wins, I can do micro wins. So that's that's manageable.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

That is. Well, um, so just to kind of recap again on these summer activities, families, as we go out to summer, let's find what what what's it gonna be like? What does a successful summer look like? And I hope that these tips can help you because I know they've helped me.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Can can I put one more in there, Brad? So listen, and I and I I I I'm gonna put this primarily out there to the moms because I think they carry the brunt of this. When summer starts, it's a period of nonstop being on call for moms a lot of times. And you know, for for parents in general, because you're managing a hundred percent of the schedule now. Um, but at running the school, one thing we've been very conscious about is like staff burnout. It's a lot working with a child with special needs. It is. They they it's not that they always demand attention, but if you're really going to be working and growing them, it requires like consistent dedication, just being on. And it's tiring. And uh I would say for as much as we put strategies out there on how to plan summer activities for family, I think it's okay to, and maybe selfish is the one wrong word, but be self-aware of the things that we need as parents and to set aside and plan those opportunities as well. Because if we get burned out, we could have the best laid plan in the world. And if we're not bringing ourselves and our best game to the table, the experience just is not going to be there.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

Right. So finding a way to recharge our batteries, even if it's the simple moments, if it's that one hour a week, if it's the book that you like, if it's getting a pedicure, if it's going for a walk or exercise or, you know, whatever recharges your battery, plan for yourself as much as you plan for your family.

SPEAKER_00 27:19

Yeah. Just take care of yourself. Yeah. You're important. You know, just as much as you need to regulate your child, you also need to be self-regulating, right? Um, and and to find those moments to where they're productive.

SPEAKER_01 27:32

Um and that that's going to take a charge on both sides. So for those married couples out there, dads, like be aware of your wives, be there for them. Allow them to take that time. For those single moms out there, reach out to your community. It's not always easy to ask for help. Trust me, I'm I'm one of the worst at asking for help. You know, we don't like to admit that we're vulnerable and we don't like to invite people in that space, but it's important to allow yourself that opportunity to be the best you so that you can be the best for your family.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

So, family, some really good takeaways that we hope that you get from from today's conversation is one, my child is not missing out on their childhood. They are experiencing a childhood that fits their brain. So don't have that pressure that, hey, we you there needs to be picture perfect. Uh, rest is a is also a productive use of time of summer. You know, there's a lot of I know we we get all this pressure, like, okay, we got to do all this stuff during the summer. It's kind of the opposite sometimes, and that's that's okay. Uh, you do not owe anybody a picture perfect social media summer. So get off Facebook if you're looking at all your buddies going to all these European trips or whatever. If we don't make that, doesn't mean that we have a less of a summer. A happy regulated child at home is better than a miserable, dysregulated child at a theme park. So think about that, you know. So, anyways, thank you so much for making us part of your day. Please don't forget to subscribe so that you'll never miss a conversation that inspires connection. Have a wonderful summer, and we also want to give out a uh special shout out to our producer Jesse Palmer and our wonderful marketing director Dallin Davis. Until next time, let's do some good.